Dadvice Weekly #43 / The Ultimate Paternity Leave Guide
Dadvice Weekly - #43
There are a lot of variables when it comes to paternity leave. What your company offers, whether your state provides paid leave, how much PTO you’ve saved, how many kids you now have, the health of your baby, etc. all play a role. Everyone’s situation is a little different.
This advice is coming from my experience going from zero kids to one. If you are adding a second or third child, your experience will likely look very different.
How to Navigate Your Paid Leave?
I took a quick survey amongst friends whose wives are pregnant. I got a range from 6 weeks to 10 weeks of paid leave. But I also know from other friends that there are organizations and states that offer little to no paternity leave.
A non-negotiable I would set (regardless of what your company offers) is to take at least two weeks.
It would be really hard to become a father and go back to work in less time than that. I understand not everyone is given paternity leave and not everyone has a generous PTO plan. But you have about nine months to prepare. Save your days. Plan ahead. Do what you need to do to make that time happen.
From there, if you have more generous options, you have a decision to make.
If your company has paternity leave, take it all at once.
In my case, I was able to take about 14 weeks between state benefits, my company’s plan, and some PTO. Going into it, I thought 14 weeks would feel long. It did not.
It flew by.
Your entire life changes overnight. You are learning how to care for your wife, care for your child, and function on broken sleep at the same time. Having uninterrupted time to settle into that new reality is a gift.
Some of my most meaningful moments were the simplest ones. Being up at 2 a.m. with my daughter and being able to tell my wife to keep sleeping, knowing I did not have to turn around and perform at work the next morning.
If you have the option, do not feel like you need to spread it out or save some for later.
That said, there is one scenario where I would think differently.
If childcare coverage is a challenge, a split approach can make a lot of sense.
For example:
Take the first stretch of leave in tandem with your spouse
Go back to work while your wife finishes her leave
Then take your remaining leave once she returns to work
This can extend the amount of time your child is at home before needing childcare. Just make sure your company allows for this kind of flexibility.
Whatever you do, do not leave time on the table.
There is often a quiet guilt that creeps in while you are out. Your team is working and people are covering for you.
I felt that too. But the truth is that time will pass whether you take it or not. And this is time you will never get back. If your state offers paid leave, remember that you are paying into that system. It exists for moments like this.
Also I have never heard of anyone getting promoted and a factor of it was that they were a big company guy and came back from paternity leave early. Take the time you’re given.
Set your team up well, then fully step away.
Before you’re out communicate your expectations. Here are some ideas to consider:
Take an inventory of what you own. Think through who will be the temporary owner of this? Empower that person to make decisions and continue driving progress. Think of this as delegating ownership, not delegating some tasks in the next few weeks.
Document anything you can think of. I like creating a word doc with specific sections. It is an open document to put items in as you get closer to being out of office. It will never be “done” but you can continuously include information and context so someone can reference it while you’re out.
Align with your manager on expectations. How often do you expect to talk to your manager while out? Is there any reason where you would find a text from your manager to be useful with something happening at work? If so, tell your manager those expectations.
If you set your team up for success it will be a win-win. You will be out with confidence that they have what they need. They will be thankful for the effort you took to provide the necessary clarity so they can step in.
But once you are out, you are out.
Once You Are on Leave
Your primary role is more supporting your wife and less supporting the baby
I remember thinking how worthless I was as soon as the baby was delivered. Doctors and nurses come in to care for you and your baby while you sit there trying to figure out how to swaddle the baby. Then you get sent home and the baby literally needs your wife to survive. You’re just the +1 in the survival process. Here’s some tips I wish someone shared with me of ways to add value:
Gatekeep the House
Having a meal train is such a blessing. If you are lucky enough where one is set up for y’all be the owner of managing drop offs and what visitation will look like. I think there are 3 categories for visitation.
All access - they come in, they hang out with you, they hold the baby
Limited access - they come in but its not really a hang out. Maybe they hold the baby but we’re talking like ~15 minutes of overlap
Contactless delivery - Door dash style where they just leave food at the door
It might sound crazy but not everyone needs to be all access. Also not everyone wants to have all access. That’s not an indication of the quality of friendship with them nor an ingrateful gesture. The truth is there’s going to be some days where someone has snagged a spot on the meal train and the day really sucked. You’re exhausted, your spouse is exhausted, and the thought of someone coming over for an hour just doesn’t sound as good as it did prior to the baby arriving. Deliver the information in a courteous way and tell them you look forward to the next chance you get to hang out.
A great question to ask your spouse the morning of the meal train is, “Hey [insert name]’s slot is today. How are we feeling? I would like to text them to set expectations for the meal delivery.”
Take ownership. Do not “help”
If you see something that should be done just go ahead and do it. Before the baby was born your chore list was probably something like pick up things off the floor, vacuum, unload the dishes, wipe the counters, and fold the clothes. Once the baby is born, those things still need to happen but you also need to do things like clean the bottles, take out the diaper trash bag, clean and put away the baby clothes.
Just in general, you are the best candidate to do those things. Try your best to not have a story of you doing something dumb when your wife is freshly postpartum.
Be where your feet are
This window is short and unrepeatable. Be present for the slow mornings, the middle of the night feeds, and the quiet, ordinary moments.
What to Do When There’s Down Time?
I am intentionally including this section at the end. Everything above this section is your priority, but something did surprise me. At first your baby eats every 3 hours and naps most of the time in between. I did not expect that. There were still tough moments where I felt exhausted, but there were also some moments of downtime where I wanted to do something around the house.
Have one or two flexible projects in mind.
Not something that requires long, uninterrupted hours. Something you can pick up and put down.
For me, that ended up being installing cabinets in our laundry room. I did not plan it, but once I realized I had the time I went for it.
It was not about being productive for the sake of it. I was already showing up where it mattered most. But I did feel that natural itch during quieter moments when everyone was sleeping or the baby was happy.
Find something that is easy to start and stop because you will have plenty of starts and stops. Some good ideas could be: small house project, reading a book you’ve been putting off, organizing part of your house, or learning something new in small bursts.
The one caveat I would say is you are going to be really busy with your wife and baby. So don’t do something that will take too much time away from that.
Closing Thoughts
Expect it to be harder than you think.
Sleep deprivation is real. Emotions can run high. Routines disappear.
Do not interpret difficulty as failure. It is part of the process. Stay steady. Stay patient. Lower the bar on everything except being present and supportive.
Build simple rhythms, not perfect routines.
You will not have control, but you can create small anchors:
Morning coffee and a check-in together
Tag-teaming when to take naps
A quick evening reset
Rhythms bring stability without pressure.
This season is short, but it is foundational.
How you show up now sets a tone for your marriage, your role as a dad, and how your family handles future seasons. You do not have to be perfect. Just be present, proactive, and all in. -SW
Dadvice Weekly is Kyle and Skyler—two friends in their thirties, living in Colorado, settling into fatherhood and trying to stay sane. Every Tuesday we share what’s working in our homes: gear we use, routines we’ve tested, ideas we’re trying. It could be a recipe, a product that solved a problem, or just what we’re thinking about as dads.
If you have a tip, tried something we mentioned, or just want to say hi, reply to this email or message us on Substack. We read everything, and we’re always looking for what works. Glad you’re here.